Eating Disorders are often connected to a person’s desire for control. Being unable to control outside events during one’s life, it is common for victims to focus on their weight and body image- to a point of an obsession, or disorder. Being a dancer who has gone through hours of eating disorder counseling, I thought that I have had my desire for control over my body, under control. That is, until I became pregnant. If there is one thing about pregnancy that is absolutely clear, it is this: I am not in control. Sometimes it is unclear whether my precious little baby boy is in control, or whether God is in control… but it is never me!
In the first trimester, sickness and nausea forced me to constantly nibble on carb-rich foods. To make things even more challenging, my nausea made exercise impossible… And believe it or not, this lack of diet and exercise was disturbing enough to keep me awake at night, feeling lousy about myself.
As timed passed, my aversion to many healthy foods, such as grilled chicken and vegetables faded, and I felt as though I could be “good” again (in diet language, good means healthy). But of course, the lingering nausea as well as my body’s desire to gain weight made me throw my food plan out of the window…again. Nope, still not in control.
As I approach the end of my pregnancy, now comes another challenging new aspect: my intense fear of being fat. For somebody who has spent so many years of her life putting value in appearances, suddenly feeling like a balloon version of myself has been a great struggle. It doesn’t help that the first thing people around you do is check you out from bottom to top, and even comment on your appearance. Talk about feeling self-conscious!
My purpose for this post is not to rant on about my insecurities and worries about my body. Nevertheless, since our blog is titled “Defining Beauty”, I felt that this subject is very appropriate, and I am fairly confident that I am not the only woman who has struggled in this area. In theory, I realize that pregnancy makes women are even more beautiful, due to the fact that God entrusts their bodies to house His brand new souls. So why is it that society’s standards of beauty are so engrained in our minds, that it is difficult for women to see the beauty in giving their life for their child?
The thing is, we are NOT in control-- God is. And God has made us all beautiful, in His image. If we let go and let Him stay in control of our lives, then we will reach our most beautiful potential. God has called me to motherhood, and answering this call is worth more than any pair of size 0 jeans.
In the first trimester, sickness and nausea forced me to constantly nibble on carb-rich foods. To make things even more challenging, my nausea made exercise impossible… And believe it or not, this lack of diet and exercise was disturbing enough to keep me awake at night, feeling lousy about myself.
As timed passed, my aversion to many healthy foods, such as grilled chicken and vegetables faded, and I felt as though I could be “good” again (in diet language, good means healthy). But of course, the lingering nausea as well as my body’s desire to gain weight made me throw my food plan out of the window…again. Nope, still not in control.
As I approach the end of my pregnancy, now comes another challenging new aspect: my intense fear of being fat. For somebody who has spent so many years of her life putting value in appearances, suddenly feeling like a balloon version of myself has been a great struggle. It doesn’t help that the first thing people around you do is check you out from bottom to top, and even comment on your appearance. Talk about feeling self-conscious!
My purpose for this post is not to rant on about my insecurities and worries about my body. Nevertheless, since our blog is titled “Defining Beauty”, I felt that this subject is very appropriate, and I am fairly confident that I am not the only woman who has struggled in this area. In theory, I realize that pregnancy makes women are even more beautiful, due to the fact that God entrusts their bodies to house His brand new souls. So why is it that society’s standards of beauty are so engrained in our minds, that it is difficult for women to see the beauty in giving their life for their child?
The thing is, we are NOT in control-- God is. And God has made us all beautiful, in His image. If we let go and let Him stay in control of our lives, then we will reach our most beautiful potential. God has called me to motherhood, and answering this call is worth more than any pair of size 0 jeans.
5 comments:
I understand...it's hard! There were many many times when hubby had to remind me that I wasn't fat, especially in the last two weeks when I swelled up an extra 20 pounds! I was having a really hard time moving (sciatic pain, limbs felt HEAVY all of a sudden, and my knees hurt) and our midwife suggested going swimming..being in a maternity bathing suit did NOT help my self esteem (neither did the 16 year old employee calling me maam...grr). The hardest for me was one the baby was born. It was frustrating still being fluffy and swollen and my maternity clothes and regular clothes didn't fit well AND I had to take care of a baby 24/7. Nothing like a little humility to remind us who's in charge after all.
God certainly knew what he was doing making women grow with their babies. The beauty of this is that, while it does take time, breastfeeding really does help the weight come off while you can still consume 500 extra calories a day!!!
One little thing I kind of miss is the linea nigra (line from the belly button down that darkens with pregnancy). It took a while to go away after giving birth so Leo called it my "lifeline." Now when I go to do an ultrasound on a woman who says her abdomen might look scary because she's had several children. When I see her stretch marks I tell her that they're beautiful because they're her "lifelines." The evidence that she lent her body so that her child could enter the world.
That's a really god thought Apple Jacs. I remember when one of my cousins had her baby 7 years ago she told me that the IV marks and C-section stitches were her battle scars. It's a really neat thought - by bearing these babies we really are fighting for Christ and for the pro-life movement. Everytime I see my little IV scar and my belly button it reminds me of how I'm fighting my teeny battles. :)
What a beautiful and honest reflection. Christ handed his body over for us with no worry about how he would look hanging naked on a cross. Pregnant women have the opportunity to connect with him when they give their bodies with no fear of how they look. PS: you are one of the most beautiful pregnant women any has ever met because you joyful give yourself for your baby. It has nothing to do with how you look adn everything to do with who you are.
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