My labor and delivery did not go at all as planned. In fact, it went exactly as I had hoped it wouldn't. Having endured a long and challenging pregnancy, I was convinced that God would "cut me some slack" for my baby boy's birth. After all, he never gives us more than we can handle... and I had had enough! Instead my little one arrived after almost 4 full days of labor, 4 hours of pushing and a c-section delivery. It was the most exhausting experience of my life thus far.
Unexpectedly, the hours and days after D's arrival left me with a surprising reflection. Any event physically, emotionally and psychologically equivalent to D's birth would have put me into a self- pitying recovery hibernation for months. But as I drifted in and out of consciousness (partly due to pain medication, partly due to exhaustion), I still managed to joyfully nurse and attend to our new baby's needs as much as possible. Instead of waking up and feeling tired and in pain, I truthfully felt so full of joy that I thought my heart might burst. I couldn't do enough for D! And as the days continued I was sure that I would eventually run out of adrenaline and have to face reality, but I was wrong-- I never ever ran out of love. Most significantly, there is no doubt that this love was not from me. I was blessed with God's love and grace pouring out of me to take care of His new little soul.
Meanwhile, I had never felt so loved in my life. I was loved by each and every nurse in the hospital, who helped me do simple things we usually take for granted, such as walk or shower. I was loved by my family and friends who were there to support me in their presence and in their prayers. I had never felt more loved by my husband, who stood by my side for the entire experience and was doing all in his power to take care of his newborn baby and his postpartum wife. God's graces were flowing all around me in so many ways. It was amazing!!
From this experience, I have a new understanding of Jesus's love through His cross. Although my suffering is nothing compared to His, I feel that I have had a personal glimpse of His walk on Cavalry. Our Father's love poured through Jesus, to the point of death. We are so blessed to be Christians, because from this cross comes new life, and incredible JOY! This quote by Mother Teresa definitely sums up what I have learned from my experience:
I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.
-Mother Teresa
2 comments:
So beautiful!
Little D is truly blessed with a wonderful mama.
Such beautiful reflections Squinkla. Thank you for your example of uniformity with God's will and the joy that you've shown in accepting it these last few months.
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