Thoughts from an "old" lady

For the last few years I have been dreading turning 30. And I mean dreading. I would often tell people that on my thirtieth birthday I plan to stay in bed and cry, so don't bother me. I would get nervous to tell people that I was almost 30 because I am still single and felt that my life hadn't really started yet. I look very young so it was often very easy to avoid admitting my age. Also, I hear all these things people say about women turning 30...

- Your metabolism dies.

- Your fertility drastically takes a turn for the worse.

- Your hips spread.

- You lose your memory.

- Your hair starts to go grey.

and on and on and on

People make it sound like 30 is the end of life as you once knew it. Granted my metabolism has slowed and for the first time in my life I have hips. I am getting forgetful and have found a few grey hairs that were immediately pulled from my head. What was amazing to me though was that when I did turn 30 on October 24th, I didn't cry, frown, or even worry one bit. Instead one of my dearest friends through me a huge party and I celebrated life. I decided that as a present to myself I would buy some new clothes that make me feel especially beautiful and remind myself that 30 doesn't really matter. I decided that 30 would be an opportunity to start a new chapter in my life. I am giving myself permission to be beautiful. This whole first week of being 30 I have dressed up and allowed myself to be beautiful. This blog is called defining beauty and that is what I did for myself this week. I redefined for myself that I am beautiful. I am excited to be 30. Yes I do feel different but you know what, I feel better!

Note: I am the one in the middle in the picture above. You would never guess I am 30 right ;-)

I had it out with God today....

So I'm in one of those times in my life where God has an amazing plan for me, as He always does, but I just don't like His timing. No I'm not promoting this attitude -I'm just admitting that there are moments in my faith where I let myself get in the way of the joy God has for me at every moment.

Sunday's reading was all about humility and I have struggled recently with the idea I had of what humility was - I thought it was being humiliated. I thought if I prayed for it, God would "teach me a lesson." I didn't feel like learning any more lessons for right now. Then I read this meditation that really brought new insight -it said that humility was just knowing God was always in charge and when I get in the way I am blocking the Lord working. It's that idea, I must decrease and He must increase.

Ok so today's argument - I'm not pregnant - I've been trying since I got married last June, but nothing... The first doctor I went ran some simple blood tests - diabetes, cholesterol etc and didn't have much to say when everything came back normal. He told me "it just takes time for some women to get pregnant." And so what do you suggest I do while I wait? "Just calm down." REALLY! Thanks for that great advice!

I'd taken NFP classes in marriage prep, but hadn't paid much attention - my husband and I want 8 kids - I didn't care too much about avoiding pregnancy or spacing pregnancy. People began to mention that maybe I should return to the classes - even my parish Priest. I finally listen end. My husband and I switched to the Creighton model and within the first class they were talking about issues I knew I had. After the class I went right up to the teacher and told her what I thought was going on with me. For the first time someone really listened - and she even made the comment - "well if that's it, that's fixable." I almost cried right there. Just to be affirmed, just to have a glimpse of hope in this grey period of struggles.

The Creighton class led to a visit with a wonderful NFP doctor who immediately put me on vitamins and ordered real blood work - like LH/FSH levels, progesterone, estrogen, vitamin D levels. I had to do blood work 3 different days - that was last Friday, Thursday and this Monday. I did see the doctor about 6 weeks ago but I had to wait until this week to do the blood work. I've been waiting for this week - here it and now I have bruises on my arm. There is a sense of hope that now the doctor can fix my hormone levels, if they can be fixed.

While I should be really looking forward to the test results, I'm just at a point where I'm feeling fed-up with all the vitamins and sinus medication and doctors appointments ... I thought I would just get married and have 8 kids. I know the Lord will grant us children - whether they are biologically ours or we adopt. We may be on the tip of getting pregnant or months away from adoption.

Sometimes I'm fine with all this, sometimes I really try to look at how I have to rely on the Lord and what good he's bringing out of this. I try to find the silver lining. And then there are days like today where I just want to give up, pout and cry. And so it leads me to the "having it out with God part."

I got frustrated on my commute this morning. Being nice and emotional I thought you know what God - I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind. (Please pray I drop this disrespectful attitude) And so I told Him I'd had it. I'm sick of waiting - I don't want to do anything, I just want to get pregnant and it's about time you fixed this. WHEW. I just didn't know where to go from there - how to take that next step with God....

Then I checked the mail. St. Padre Pio is my husband's favorite Saint - we got engaged on His feast day. In fact just last night we were telling our Confirmation students about novenas and Phil reminded me that he got what he asked for when he did the novena before he proposed - he said I got you. And so today in the mail I got an envelope from the Capuchin Franciscan Friars of New Jersey. I have no idea how they got my address. Inside was a prayer card with Padre Pio on the front. St. Pio is quoted on the card as saying "I want to be any a poor Friar who prays... Pray, hope and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear our prayer... Prayer is the best weapon we have; it is the key to God's heart. You must speak to Jesus not only with your lips but with your heart. In fact on certain occasions you should speak to Him with only your heart." So Lord, what you're saying is Worry is useless. RIGHT! And then on the inside of the card is the Efficacious Novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. (My husband and I did our first Novena to the Sacred Heart and got married the day after that feast day.) The card says the novena was recited everyday by Padre Pio for all who asked for his prayers. There is also a prayer for St. Padre Pio's intercession.

And so I'll just conclude my thoughts with this... I had it out with Him today and He sent me a novena in the mail. Off I go to start my novena. I'll let you know the updates ...

Think Pink?

Every October I always feel very conflicted about the Breast Cancer Awareness campaign.  On one hand, cancer awareness and raising money for a cure is always important.  Nevertheless, one of the largest organizations that contributing to breast cancer research to the Susan B. Komen foundation, who also happens to be a large supporter of Planned Parenthood.  It is so frustrating that a group claiming to help women actually supports abortions and contraception.  Don't they realize that oral contraceptives are one of the leading causes related to breast cancer?

I found this article especially interesting a helpful, in providing a Catholic perspective about the subject.

Thank you Lord for the time I have been given.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon:

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope

where there is darkness, light

where there is sadness, joy

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Tenth Avenue North, Addison Road and Matt Maher

So last night my husband surprised me with tickets to see Matt Maher with 10th Ave North and Addison Road. It was a wonderful concert! I am a huge fan of Matt Maher so I was so excited when we got to Fresno State and Phil said "look there is Matt Maher." WHAT!!! I didn't even know they were in town. The Matt Maher band and Addison Road opened for Tenth Ave North. I don't really know Addison Road or Tenth Ave North, but I did recognize a few songs from listening to Christian Radio. The concert was just such a motivating event and a call to come from the dark to the light - the tour is called The Light Meets the Dark. If they come to your town go see them!!!! Each band lifts up the audience and strives to make a difference in their lives! Christian concerts are so interesting to me, because they have the live music element while they are geared at helping the audience praise the Lord. So check out their tour dates - http://tenthavenuenorth.com/tour. I think they said they were leaving So Cal, but they're headed to Oregon so keep your eye out America - don't miss this concert!

Making Every Penny Count

My husband and I use a household budget to keep track of what comes in financially, and especially of what comes out.  One area that we really struggle with month after month, is our grocery budget.  The causes for this constantly puzzles me.  Although I admit that I do pick up an impulse buy once in awhile, we waste very little food overall.  For a small family our size though, the numbers never seem to add up--  We are spending too much!  For this reason, we decided that it was time to take try some new techniques that will hopefully make our grocery shopping more gentle on the wallet.

The first thing we have tried for this month is to create a Monthly Meal Plan.  In the past I planned our weekday dinners for the week (weekends I just left up in the air since our routine varies).  About a week before October 1st however, I printed a calendar online and started filling in the days with dinners and making my shopping list.  I marked several days with "Leftovers" or "Take Out", and tried to consider our work schedules and any events we will be attending.  Next, we made an enormous grocery trip for all of the ingredients we would need during the month.  I still planned a weekly trip to the store to pick up any fresh produce needed, but mostly we stocked our freezer and our pantry, and bought as many bulk items as appropriate.  

We are exactly halfway through the month, and things are going very well.  The meal plan has been a blessing in many ways.  It has reduced the stress of last-minute "whats for dinner?", and has also forced me to make less trips to the grocery store (thus reducing impulse buys).  I am already planning on trying to choose meals according to items on sale next month, to try to save even more money.

The second technique that we are experimenting with is coupon-clipping.  We decided to subscribe to the Sunday newspaper, and have started gathering coupons for items that we are likely to purchase.  I also registered with a few products that I am loyal to (Pampers, Target), so that that they would send me coupons, or notify me about sales.  I did not grow up in a family that uses coupons, and part of me still has doubts that $.50 off here and 1$ off there will make a big different, but I am willing to give it a try.  I honestly hope to prove myself wrong!

I do not think that we will hit our budget goal exactly by the end of this month, but we are making improvements, and I think that with practice we will get there.  I thought that it would be fun to share this adventure with other young adults learning the ropes of family life, and also ask-- What do you do to stretch your dollar?  Any additional advice for young families?

Finding a Healthy Balance

I was recently listening to a friend of mine describe a diet that she was following.  You sign up with a company who provides you with all of your food and a meal plan to follow.  You cannot deviate from the meal plan at all-- but you also do not have to think or worry about what to eat, and what not to eat.  My friend was convinced that this was perfect for her, because she felt that she could not trust herself to make the right choices when it came to eating.

I think what surprised me the most was the rest of the women in the room's response to the idea of dieting.  The majority of the group seemed to speak about dieting as though it were necessary, and a part of everyday life.  These days there are hundreds and thousands of different diets out there, and hundreds of companies and books who make a profit in claiming to "help" you lose weight.  Have you ever found it ironic that as the diet industry grows, so does our waistlines?  More than ever, obesity is becoming a health issue in our country.  I realize that there are many many factors involved, but I can't help but wonder if "dieting" is part of the problem.

As a teenager, I spent some time controlling my weight with VERY restrictive eating.  I was able to sustain it for a few years, but eventually things started to spin out of control.  I was on a starvation/binge cycle-- feeling more out of control than ever.

I often still struggle with my relationship with food, but I can promise you that at this time in my life, I do not use any form of self-control when it comes to food.  I eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  If I were to be completely honest, I would tell you that I have dessert after every meal, and often in between as well.  I eat when I am hungry, and (most of the time) do not eat when I am not.  And I am not fat-- in fact, I have never felt better. 

By listening to my body's cues, I have been able to find a peaceful balance with food.  God gave us food as fuel, but also for pleasure!  There will be some days when I will eat a nutrient-dense salad, but there will be other days when I polish off an entire batch of brownies.  There will be some days when I walk 7 miles, and others when I don't walk much further than the distance from my living room to my kitchen.  There will be days when my skinny jeans will stay hung up in my closet, and days when I wear them comfortably.  And hopefully, if I listen to what my body needs, on most days I will fall somewhere in between.

I have no doubt that my friend will lose some weight if she follows the diet appropriately.  But what about afterward?  I am willing to bet that a diet like this will never help you to feel better about your body.  This is because most diets train its followers to ignore their bodies hunger cues.  If we aren't listening to our bodies, how will we learn to identify our body's cues when we are full from eating?  How will we know when our body needs food for energy, or perhaps a meal for comfort? 

Beauty is not defined by fitting into a certain size of jeans.  Beauty is about being the person who God made you to be.  We need to trust that by listening to our bodies, we will find a healthy balance.  And lastly, we should be praising Him that eating is enjoyable-- I can't imagine it any other way!

St. Vincent Pallotti Center!!!

St Vincent Pallotti Center recently released an annual volunteer directory. The Connections 2011 shows volunteers information about over 75 programs to volunteer with. There is also a directory online where you can search around and find the program that you would want to volunteer with the most! The purpose of the St. Vincent Pallotti Center is to “inspire volunteers during their exploration of service through Catholic-based organizations.”

Volunteering is a huge part of the calling of any Christian. We are called to serve. Jesus was a servant. Even before He died, he washed the feet of His apostles. Service is a calling that each one of us must embrace. Finding a few places to volunteer at, like the ones in the Connections 2011 released by the St Vincent Pallotti Center, especially at a young age, can lead into life-long service projects. Finding a few specific organizations that can rely on your help allows for these organizations to continue to grow and help those who are in need.

Whether you feel most comfortable helping children, women in crisis pregnancies, those who are poor, those in prison, marriages, or any other group of people who are in need, all organizations rely on those who generously give of their time or money or prayer to help them reach the ever increasing need of those around us.

I challenge you to find at least one organization, then volunteer for them. Start out with once a month if you need to. Then challenge yourself to increase that time every few months. I guarantee you will find that helping others will give you meaning in your life. And you will continue to look at your challenges in life, and still find that you can find help when you need it, and you will be there for others when they are trying to overcome their own challenges!

Go to www.pallotticenter.org , and find a organization that you can help, right now!

"It is here, my daughters, that love is to be found - not hidden away in corners but in the midst of occasions of sin. And believe me, although we may more often fail and commit small lapses, our gain will be incomparably the greater."

-St. Teresa of Avila

Mary's Mantle

Today I was carrying my newborn baby boy in my sling, while visiting with some local Carmelite sisters, when Mother Superior gave me some interesting information. She said that when we speak of Mary's mantle, people usually think of her veil, but in her days, they were actually referring to the fabric carrier that she used to tote baby Jesus around. So when we ask her to wrap her mantle around us, we are actually asking her to carry us as she did baby Jesus,close to her heart. This was the spot that calmed baby Jesus because babyslings/carriersrecreate the womb keeping babies snuggled close to their mother's warmth, her beating heart, and moving with her. No wonder we ask Mary to wrap her mantle around us!

I am a fan of "wearing" one's baby not just because it promotes bonding, but also because it just makes everyday life much easier. In Mary's day, they didn't have fancy strollers or car-seats. They just had mom, and for a baby, there's nothing better than that. So if you're a mom, consider wrapping your baby in your mantle to make them feel at peace (and I promise it will likely bring you more), and Mother Mary, please wrap your mantle around us, your children.