So I'm in one of those times in my life where God has an amazing plan for me, as He always does, but I just don't like His timing. No I'm not promoting this attitude -I'm just admitting that there are moments in my faith where I let myself get in the way of the joy God has for me at every moment.
Sunday's reading was all about humility and I have struggled recently with the idea I had of what humility was - I thought it was being humiliated. I thought if I prayed for it, God would "teach me a lesson." I didn't feel like learning any more lessons for right now. Then I read this meditation that really brought new insight -it said that humility was just knowing God was always in charge and when I get in the way I am blocking the Lord working. It's that idea, I must decrease and He must increase.
Ok so today's argument - I'm not pregnant - I've been trying since I got married last June, but nothing... The first doctor I went ran some simple blood tests - diabetes, cholesterol etc and didn't have much to say when everything came back normal. He told me "it just takes time for some women to get pregnant." And so what do you suggest I do while I wait? "Just calm down." REALLY! Thanks for that great advice!
I'd taken NFP classes in marriage prep, but hadn't paid much attention - my husband and I want 8 kids - I didn't care too much about avoiding pregnancy or spacing pregnancy. People began to mention that maybe I should return to the classes - even my parish Priest. I finally listen end. My husband and I switched to the Creighton model and within the first class they were talking about issues I knew I had. After the class I went right up to the teacher and told her what I thought was going on with me. For the first time someone really listened - and she even made the comment - "well if that's it, that's fixable." I almost cried right there. Just to be affirmed, just to have a glimpse of hope in this grey period of struggles.
The Creighton class led to a visit with a wonderful NFP doctor who immediately put me on vitamins and ordered real blood work - like LH/FSH levels, progesterone, estrogen, vitamin D levels. I had to do blood work 3 different days - that was last Friday, Thursday and this Monday. I did see the doctor about 6 weeks ago but I had to wait until this week to do the blood work. I've been waiting for this week - here it and now I have bruises on my arm. There is a sense of hope that now the doctor can fix my hormone levels, if they can be fixed.
While I should be really looking forward to the test results, I'm just at a point where I'm feeling fed-up with all the vitamins and sinus medication and doctors appointments ... I thought I would just get married and have 8 kids. I know the Lord will grant us children - whether they are biologically ours or we adopt. We may be on the tip of getting pregnant or months away from adoption.
Sometimes I'm fine with all this, sometimes I really try to look at how I have to rely on the Lord and what good he's bringing out of this. I try to find the silver lining. And then there are days like today where I just want to give up, pout and cry. And so it leads me to the "having it out with God part."
I got frustrated on my commute this morning. Being nice and emotional I thought you know what God - I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind. (Please pray I drop this disrespectful attitude) And so I told Him I'd had it. I'm sick of waiting - I don't want to do anything, I just want to get pregnant and it's about time you fixed this. WHEW. I just didn't know where to go from there - how to take that next step with God....
Then I checked the mail. St. Padre Pio is my husband's favorite Saint - we got engaged on His feast day. In fact just last night we were telling our Confirmation students about novenas and Phil reminded me that he got what he asked for when he did the novena before he proposed - he said I got you. And so today in the mail I got an envelope from the Capuchin Franciscan Friars of New Jersey. I have no idea how they got my address. Inside was a prayer card with Padre Pio on the front. St. Pio is quoted on the card as saying "I want to be any a poor Friar who prays... Pray, hope and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear our prayer... Prayer is the best weapon we have; it is the key to God's heart. You must speak to Jesus not only with your lips but with your heart. In fact on certain occasions you should speak to Him with only your heart." So Lord, what you're saying is Worry is useless. RIGHT! And then on the inside of the card is the Efficacious Novena to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. (My husband and I did our first Novena to the Sacred Heart and got married the day after that feast day.) The card says the novena was recited everyday by Padre Pio for all who asked for his prayers. There is also a prayer for St. Padre Pio's intercession.
And so I'll just conclude my thoughts with this... I had it out with Him today and He sent me a novena in the mail. Off I go to start my novena. I'll let you know the updates ...
11 comments:
that quote is something i try to repeat everyday it really helps with my worrying.
sometimes i feel like i have the opposite problem - i keep trying to tell God that we're "done" because I've had so many issues with pregnancy and postpartum depression/anxiety. it's hard to remain open to life because we simply are not at a point where we a) feel God telling us to be open to another baby and b) i am not in a healthy place physically or mentally to even think about supporting another human being. i just keep trying to remind myself to take things one day at a time and stop worrying about it. Yes, out family MAY be complete and this really may be God's will for us, but we still need to be open to His will for out family and the possibility that it might include other kids. Fortunately he has made it extraordinarily clear to us when he needs us to be open to new life and I pray that if he needs us to have another baby that the same things happens.
Oh, and you may want to try praying to St. Marie Breda - trust me on this one :)
A very wise Catholic doctor once told me that when we are upset/angry with God it shows we have a real relationship with Him. God is real to you and you feel comfortable enough to vent and throw your frustrations and anger at Him. He loves you and doesn't take it personally. You are obviously letting Him communicate with you and He's going to say what you need to hear.
God bless you. I will pray for your intentions.
Thank you Ladies... Yes I love him - now it's time to listen. Andi, thank you for sharing your family life with us - I'm so glad the Lord always makes it clear to you - I MISS YOU!
Mary Kate, thank you for sharing your thoughts and for your prayers.
Poor God. I seriously feel bad for Him sometimes.
I've been complaining to Him because I am 41 weeks pregnant and this baby I think is planning on staying in me forever!
I know that my "problem" is going to go away in days, maybe hours, but I still am tempted to rail against Him.
I agree that at least it shows that He is a friend, and I'm sure He's big enough to handle it - but sometimes He much just look down on us and have to take some deep, long breathes to not smack us up the head.
Haha, I frequently think, when my daughter is whining to me, how patient and loving God is. I get tempted to make fun of her, or just walk away plugging my ears, until I remember how I whine to God so often. We might sound like immature children who have a miopic view, but he listens just like any loving parent, probably laughing to himself at how silly we sound.
Praying you have some clear answers to prayer soon!
I completely feel your pain hun. We've been trying to conceive since we've been married too (just over 2 years) and still no luck. We've been using Creighton and will visit a specialist soon and probably get similar tests done. Prayers for you and all couples in the same situation! It's so hard to be patient and trust in God's will and timing : )
Isn't it wonderful to have Cathlic women supporting each other. I've been thinking a lot about this post recently and I just think - Pope John Paul continually says Be Not Afraid ... Our God loves us, and He wants to give us everything that is good for us - He is our father - and whining to Him - well I just think next time I'm tempted to scream and shout I have to say - GOD I know you're listening and I know you love me - please help me to Be Not Afraid!
Praying for you girls!
Rebecca - I'd love to keep in touch to hear how things are going - let me know how we can be there to support eachother!
That would be great Courtney! I'd definitely love to keep in touch and help each other along the way. I have an appointment with our local NFP obgyn next week so hopefully I'll know more then. Anything new on your end?
Rebecca - we have an appointment next tuesday too to get some blood work results.... we have to figure out a way to keep in touch .... email or something... let me know!
Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow! Mine is Tuesday as well. Not sure if I'll learn much, it's more of a preliminary appointment and I'm sure we'll have to schedule another and continue the process.
Are you a facebooker? If so, maybe we can communicate a little easier there. Feel free to search for me...Rebecca Spoolstra.
God bless, and I'm praying for you!
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