My husband doesn't have a 9-5 job. He travels frequently, unexpectedly, may work weekends, evenings, and then there are days where he may leave the house at 10am and be home at 4pm. I knew this was how it was when I married him. Two weeks before our wedding he was in 17 different cities in 19 days. Yes, his job is slightly insane, but enough about that.
The bottom line is, I should not be complaining! I am able to be a mother to my children. I am the one that is there for the 1st words, 1st steps, to put a band aid on that 1st big boo boo. I may be exhausted at the end of the day, but how much more would I be if I had to go to work first and then scrape the bottom of my barrel of energy to try to give to my husband & children. I am confident that my husband would do whatever he had to, if it meant night shifts and picking up garbage to keep me at home, raising our children. Before I call him in the evenings, asking when he'll be home for dinner, if he'll be home, I need to pray a prayer of thanksgiving for the fact that I was able to cook a nutritious meal for our family with what my husband has provided for us.
We women who have found these rare, real men, who follow Our Father's command "to till the earth," need to recognize the gift our Lord has given us. We need to thank our husbands daily for their work, and support them in every way possible. I am writing this not just to remind anyone reading, but mostly because I need to remind myself. These men need us to be taking care of their children, keeping house, and giving them a joyful, warm place to retreat to because that will empower them all the more to go out and work the next day, and make them rush out the door to come home to us as soon as their job is done. Call me old fashioned, I am, but I think appreciating these manly men is one step to making men out of our boys.
Anyone have any tips on how to thank/appreciate one's husband and the work he does for the family? (I will also add that my husband served in the navy for a year and he attributes that training to the development of self-discipline in his life)
13 comments:
I agree that we should always show the utmost respect and appreciation for our husbands. They rely so much on us for support. However, I definitely disagree that working outside the home detracts from a man's manliness or from a woman's ability to create a loving home and raise her children. This is a very personal decision for a couple to make and in many cases a woman working outside the home facilitates a husband's success and happiness. Finally a wife is her husband's partner and many times persuing her own interests outside the home, for work or pleasure, make her a richer person and make her more capable of advising, encouraging and supporting.
Applejacs, you are right that being a provider is quality of masculinity and I understand your desire to encourage this trait, but I also agree that there are so many ways in which this can be accomplished, individual to each family!
Although respectable and wonderful, being a homemaker is not the only way God calls wives to support their husbands, (and working long hours is not the only way He calls men to be "men"). The most important thing is that neither wife nor husband loses sight of the priority and importance of their vocation as spouse and parent. This obviously applies to men as well, who are often more tempted nowadays, to get too caught up in their career to leave time for family! Both spouses are responsible in making their home a joyful place to live. Trust me, there is nothing more "manly" than watching my hubby clean the bathroom ;-).
Also, I find that the hours that my husband is home watching our child while I am away always reinforce his own vocation of husband, fatherhood and "manliness". He never seems more masculine to me than when I watch him interact with our baby. That is when I can really see him made male, in the image of God our Father.
Chantal, I really like what you articulated in your comment. There is something so manly about watching my husband care for our baby. Part of our decision to have me continue to work outside the home part time is to facilitate a more reasonable work schedule for my husband, who is an attorney. I need my husband. Our baby needs my husband. He gives her so many things I never could.
I think particularly now a days and in a place like Southern California, some families need to rethink the "wife is homemaker and the husband works long hours" mentality. This of course is a very personal decision and as you said, the guiding principle should be our vocations as spouses
and parents.
Mary/Chantal,
Can you please show me in my blog where I said anything negative about wives working away from home?
Hi Mary,
Thank you or your comments. I agree with you completely that it is a very personal decision for a couple when deciding if a woman should work outside the home. In some cases it is necessary for the woman to do so and only that couple knows what needs to be done. You mentioned that a woman persuing her own interests outside the home makes her a richer person and more capable of supporting her husband. I agree that woman should not abandon their gifts and talents once they are given the gift of motherhood. Our culture saddly has it wrong when they say that a mother at home is "a waste". I think that a woman's gifts and talents are still used and strengthened, they are just now focused compelely on a few little souls entrusted to her. I believe that a woman actually reaches her highest potential when her gifts are given directly to her vocation. Motherhood leads many women to give up their personal desires for the sake of another. I have a friend who had big dreams career wise who gave that all up to be home with her children. I am sure her sacrifice is so pleasing to Our Lord. Motherhood, from what I see in my friends, is completely giving up ones own desires to live for another. This aspect of motherhood is what makes me desire that vocation. To see a woman give up her own plans to follow God's plan for family mimics the love Jesus has for us. He gave up his whole life for us. What a great opporunity woman have to be more like Christ. Does this mean a woman can't persue her personal dreams at all? Of course not. I have a friend who is passionate about dance and although she gave up her own career as a dancer in order to answer to God's call to be home with her son, she still teaches dance a few nights a week while her husband is home with their son. She has found a way to be completely devoted to her family but also use her talent for dance.
I disagree that we need to rethink the traditional roles of wife as homemaker and husband as bread winner. The Church has taught for hundreds of years that it is ideal to have mothers home with their children. Even secular studies have shown that moms being home is best for children.
Chantal: I think you hit it on the head when you said that both need to never lose sight of the importance of their vocation. If men see their work as supporting their vocation, which is primary, they will do everything they can to avoid becoming obsessed with their careers because they will know that career isn't what is most important, family is.
I don't think Apple Jacs was at all trying to attack mothers who do work outside the home. What I got from her blog was encouragment to be thankful for her husbands hard work that provides her the opportunity to stay home. She is pointing out that instead of complaining about his job, she should rejoice that it affords her the luxury of not having to work outside the home if she doesn't want to. I know many mom's who would love to be home but aren't able to be. Dr. Laura would applaud you Apple Jacs for as she says "choosing wisely and treating kindly"
Hi Mary,
Thank you or your comments. I agree with you completely that it is a very personal decision for a couple when deciding if a woman should work outside the home. In some cases it is necessary for the woman to do so and only that couple knows what needs to be done. You mentioned that a woman persuing her own interests outside the home makes her a richer person and more capable of supporting her husband. I agree that woman should not abandon their gifts and talents once they are given the gift of motherhood. Our culture saddly has it wrong when they say that a mother at home is "a waste". I think that a woman's gifts and talents are still used and strengthened, they are just now focused compelely on a few little souls entrusted to her. I believe that a woman actually reaches her highest potential when her gifts are given directly to her vocation. Motherhood leads many women to give up their personal desires for the sake of another. I have a friend who had big dreams career wise who gave that all up to be home with her children. I am sure her sacrifice is so pleasing to Our Lord. Motherhood, from what I see in my friends, is completely giving up ones own desires to live for another. This aspect of motherhood is what makes me desire that vocation. To see a woman give up her own plans to follow God's plan for family mimics the love Jesus has for us. He gave up his whole life for us. What a great opporunity woman have to be more like Christ. Does this mean a woman can't persue her personal dreams at all? Of course not. I have a friend who is passionate about dance and although she gave up her own career as a dancer in order to answer to God's call to be home with her son, she still teaches dance a few nights a week while her husband is home with their son. She has found a way to be completely devoted to her family but also use her talent for dance.
I disagree that we need to rethink the traditional roles of wife as homemaker and husband as bread winner. The Church has taught for hundreds of years that it is ideal to have mothers home with their children. Even secular studies have shown that moms being home is best for children.
Chantal: I think you hit it on the head when you said that both need to never lose sight of the importance of their vocation. If men see their work as supporting their vocation, which is primary, they will do everything they can to avoid becoming obsessed with their careers because they will know that career isn't what is most important, family is.
I don't think Apple Jacs was at all trying to attack mothers who do work outside the home. What I got from her blog was encouragment to be thankful for her husbands hard work that provides her the opportunity to stay home. She is pointing out that instead of complaining about his job, she should rejoice that it affords her the luxury of not having to work outside the home if she doesn't want to. I know many mom's who would love to be home but aren't able to be. Dr. Laura would applaud you Apple Jacs for as she says "choosing wisely and treating kindly"
Applejacs- I didn't feel that you portrayed women working out of the home negatively at all! I think I was just surprised (perhaps confused?) that you related your post to what makes men "manly", since you refered to Little Monkey's blog about mens' loss of masculinity. I thought you were saying that staying home from work is what helps your husband be more masculine, and I am not sure that I agree with that.
I reread it though, and your title ties it in together for me. Instead of competing with our spouses, we need to stand by them, so that we can both fulfill our vocations as men and women. In your case, your husband works insane hours, and so you have made a beautiful sacrifice to stay home and care for your house and children-- and even more than this, you are appreciating Gods plan for both of you. BEAUTIFUL!
Although I didn't mention it in my most recent post, as a personal note, I totally agree with Robyn. I believe that the ideal is for the mother to stay at home for her family. I think this for many reasons, not the least of which are:
1. It is the tradition of millennia of Catholic/Christian culture (and the example of all motherhood, our Blessed Mother)
2. It is the tradition of most of the existing globe
3. There is a correlation between working mothers and increased abortion rates.
4. There is a correlation between working mothers and increased divorce rates.
5. There is a correlation between working mothers and troubled adolescence, including those associated with Latchkey children.
It is most certainly an individual choice, but seems oddly to me a luxury of the modern western world, coincidentally born at the same time as the"sexual revolution" and the modern feminist movement. It doesn't seem to ever really be "necessary" (i.e., the family will starve or be homeless without the extra income), rather it seems mostly so families can live in the neighborhood of their choosing and have many of the material things that they want but technically could live without.
Using my husband as an example again, his immigrant parents and 3 kids rented and lived in the back of someone else's house for most of his childhood, in a single room with a single bathroom. Their father worked graveyard shifts and yet his mom stayed home to be with the children. They turned out fine in the things that mattered...
For much of the above and much, much more, including the psychological drawbacks of mothers away from the home, I recommend "In Praise of Stay-At-Home Moms" by Dr. Laura.
That said, the blog really was just about the need to be grateful for my husband's hard work so that I don't have to work outside the home. I have, in fact, as a mom, given of my time and skills to provide ultrasounds to mothers considering abortion, at the crisis pregnancy center where I worked as a nurse, before staying at home with my little ones. I simply can't find the time anymore with 2 children. It's tough enough to get out for a few hours to see the dentist, hehe. And if I made it sound like my husband is absentee, that was not intended. His career just has ebbs & flows, and an irregular schedule so it requires flexibility and great trust on my part, which I am not always great at. He is an amazingly devoted father.
I did not think you said anything directly negative regarding working mothers. I read your blog post in a similar way to Chantal and was responding with that understanding.
Regarding your thoughts on being a stay at home mother, I find your five points simplistic and alarmist. I think it is actually a luxury of the West to BE a stay at home mother. In most 3rd world and agrarian cultures, the mother works alongside her husband, while the child rearing is left to older members of the extended family. Also the idea that most women who work outside the home are motivated by materialism seems like a judgmental point of view. As I mentioned before, it is simply a personal decision between the couple. It is their responsibility to discern what is best. I do not think it is helpful to speak in universals because we simply cannot know each person's heart and situation.
Finally, I agree the ideal is to be a stay at home mother. That is something worth sacrificing for, but as St Gianna shows us it is not something every woman is called to.
Mary C. I rarely chime in on these things, but faulty logic just drives me up a wall.
First, you cast aspersion on generalities and judgment, yet you call another blogger "simplistic" (which sounds judgmental) and then make a general statement about not speaking in universals (which is, frankly, impossible).
Next, you dismiss her arguments without any real logical counter. How does some random agragrian example, which still involves SOMEONE being at home with the kids, counter anything Apple Jacs posted? How is her argument about the entire Christian tradition and the correlation in some serious problems, like abortion and divorce, simplistic? She even cited a source!!! And I didn't find her point about materialism a judgment at all. Is it really disparaging to think that a main reason most anyone would have for both spouses working is the desire for nicer stuff? Seems to me your response is the simplistic one...
apple jacs / little monkey - thank you so much for posting amazing perspectives on this issue. It makes sense that there would be increased abortions, divorces, etc. when there is pressure for both parents working. and you're right, it never really is necessary, at least not in the modern western world. Excellent points.
Mary C.,
I hope what Apple Jacs recently wrote did not appear to be an attack on you. I think she was pointing out that very often in our culture both parents work for the wrong reasons. Absolutely it can happen that a mom would work outside the home for the right reason, you pointed out St. Gianna as a great example. I would say though that St. Gianna worked because God was calling her to give of herself to others in that particular way. She was not motivated by money or selfish means as so many woman are. So of course there are women who work outside the home for good reasons. I agree with Apple Jacs though that overwhelmingly that is not the case with most women. Often times I don't think women even realize that their priorities and motivations are off because our culture supports their mindset. We are blessed to be Catholic and have the Church leading us to understand the beauty of the vocation of motherhood. Again this is something that husband and wife to to take to great prayer and spiritual direction. I think it is important to present the ideal so we can work towards it but also never judge each individual person.
Thank you for this beautiful post about appreciating your husband. I was taken aback by the tone of the other comments, as I saw nothing negative at all.
If others take offense at the beauty of a mother staying home with her children and praising her husband as a hard-working bread winner, then it is their own insecurities and defensiveness, nothing at all that was in your message, which, by the way, is a lovely one about appreciating all that our husbands do for us and our families.
God bless you!
Mother's belong at home with their children. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just trying to justify their own decisions. Sometimes it is necessary for a woman to work outside the home and in those cases of course she should, but it is never ideal. Nor is it ideal for men to go away to work, in the ideal world a man would do his work at or near his home and be able to involve his children (especially his male children) often in his work. Obviously we don't live in an ideal world but pretending that it is good for both parents to work outside the home is insanity.
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