A Surprising Change

While getting dressed yesterday, I had an unexpected experience. I was going to be out all day and wanted to throw a pair of jeans in the car in case it got chilly in the evening. I hadn't worn my maternity jeans for a month, so I figured I'd try them on first to see which ones fit most comfortably. Turns out, none of them did.

Apparently, in the last month, my legs and backside have expanded with this pregnancy, especially since I had to stop exercising and rest for the last month. It could be that I was also very sensitive to the tightness of pants in general after wearing flowy dresses and skirts for 31 days straight, but these were just not comfortable, nor were they flattering.

While staring at myself in the mirror, stunned at how tight one pair was, I found myself feeling worse and worse about the changes in my body, which is no good! I am someone who LOVES being pregnant. I LOVE IT. While the belly gets a little uncomfortable towards the end, and sure the extra weight makes getting around a little tougher, I find the joy of holding this little life inside my body so outweighs the small sacrifices. However, I was struggling the other day with accepting the extra weight I'd put on. The crazy part is, I had none of these negative thoughts during the month of May.

Not only am I now finding skirts/dresses to be more feminine, but also more flattering, more comfortable, and encouraging of a positive body image.

My Lack of Control

Eating Disorders are often connected to a person’s desire for control. Being unable to control outside events during one’s life, it is common for victims to focus on their weight and body image- to a point of an obsession, or disorder. Being a dancer who has gone through hours of eating disorder counseling, I thought that I have had my desire for control over my body, under control. That is, until I became pregnant. If there is one thing about pregnancy that is absolutely clear, it is this: I am not in control. Sometimes it is unclear whether my precious little baby boy is in control, or whether God is in control… but it is never me!

In the first trimester, sickness and nausea forced me to constantly nibble on carb-rich foods. To make things even more challenging, my nausea made exercise impossible… And believe it or not, this lack of diet and exercise was disturbing enough to keep me awake at night, feeling lousy about myself.

As timed passed, my aversion to many healthy foods, such as grilled chicken and vegetables faded, and I felt as though I could be “good” again (in diet language, good means healthy). But of course, the lingering nausea as well as my body’s desire to gain weight made me throw my food plan out of the window…again. Nope, still not in control.

As I approach the end of my pregnancy, now comes another challenging new aspect: my intense fear of being fat. For somebody who has spent so many years of her life putting value in appearances, suddenly feeling like a balloon version of myself has been a great struggle. It doesn’t help that the first thing people around you do is check you out from bottom to top, and even comment on your appearance. Talk about feeling self-conscious!

My purpose for this post is not to rant on about my insecurities and worries about my body. Nevertheless, since our blog is titled “Defining Beauty”, I felt that this subject is very appropriate, and I am fairly confident that I am not the only woman who has struggled in this area. In theory, I realize that pregnancy makes women are even more beautiful, due to the fact that God entrusts their bodies to house His brand new souls. So why is it that society’s standards of beauty are so engrained in our minds, that it is difficult for women to see the beauty in giving their life for their child?

The thing is, we are NOT in control-- God is. And God has made us all beautiful, in His image. If we let go and let Him stay in control of our lives, then we will reach our most beautiful potential. God has called me to motherhood, and answering this call is worth more than any pair of size 0 jeans.