The Best Doula Around

For those of you for whom pregnancy is easy, you never cease to amaze me.  Pregnancy is always wonderful (because it just is), but for most of us out there, it is TOUGH.  Sacrifices come in all (strange) forms, from constant nausea, backaches, exhaustion, teenage-worthy skin breakouts, swollen bodies, insomnia, mood swings, the inability to poop... and the list goes on.

I have been feeling a little uncomfortable myself lately, and despite the joy I have about being entrusted with a new little soul, day-to-day living has been challenging.  Through my first pregnancy, I was early on given the wise advice to turn to Mary.  Mary went through a pregnancy, and she is our blessed mother.  Of course it makes sense to ask her for help!  She has an understanding of what we are going through.

I had a fantastic new thought occur to me this time around however.  I was meditating on the mystery of the Visitation, when Mary (with child) visited Elizabeth, to serve her and help her through the end of her pregnancy.  I was thinking about Elizabeth, who was past child-bearing age, and how difficult a pregnancy must have been for her, this late in life.  Mary stayed with Elizabeth for 3 months to serve; probably helping her with housework, making meals, rubbing her swollen feet and trying to make Elizabeth feel more comfortable.

And so here is my epiphany:  Mary took care of Elizabeth during her pregnancy!  Why wouldn't she take care of all pregnant women?

Lately, I've been asking Mary to stay with me, like she did with Elizabeth.  To come live in my home for these next months, and to help me to face my daily challenges.  Not only did Mary go through it herself, but she also lovingly took care of her pregnant cousin.  It goes without saying that Mary will lovingly care for any pregnant woman that turns to her.

Finding a Healthy Balance

I was recently listening to a friend of mine describe a diet that she was following.  You sign up with a company who provides you with all of your food and a meal plan to follow.  You cannot deviate from the meal plan at all-- but you also do not have to think or worry about what to eat, and what not to eat.  My friend was convinced that this was perfect for her, because she felt that she could not trust herself to make the right choices when it came to eating.

I think what surprised me the most was the rest of the women in the room's response to the idea of dieting.  The majority of the group seemed to speak about dieting as though it were necessary, and a part of everyday life.  These days there are hundreds and thousands of different diets out there, and hundreds of companies and books who make a profit in claiming to "help" you lose weight.  Have you ever found it ironic that as the diet industry grows, so does our waistlines?  More than ever, obesity is becoming a health issue in our country.  I realize that there are many many factors involved, but I can't help but wonder if "dieting" is part of the problem.

As a teenager, I spent some time controlling my weight with VERY restrictive eating.  I was able to sustain it for a few years, but eventually things started to spin out of control.  I was on a starvation/binge cycle-- feeling more out of control than ever.

I often still struggle with my relationship with food, but I can promise you that at this time in my life, I do not use any form of self-control when it comes to food.  I eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  If I were to be completely honest, I would tell you that I have dessert after every meal, and often in between as well.  I eat when I am hungry, and (most of the time) do not eat when I am not.  And I am not fat-- in fact, I have never felt better. 

By listening to my body's cues, I have been able to find a peaceful balance with food.  God gave us food as fuel, but also for pleasure!  There will be some days when I will eat a nutrient-dense salad, but there will be other days when I polish off an entire batch of brownies.  There will be some days when I walk 7 miles, and others when I don't walk much further than the distance from my living room to my kitchen.  There will be days when my skinny jeans will stay hung up in my closet, and days when I wear them comfortably.  And hopefully, if I listen to what my body needs, on most days I will fall somewhere in between.

I have no doubt that my friend will lose some weight if she follows the diet appropriately.  But what about afterward?  I am willing to bet that a diet like this will never help you to feel better about your body.  This is because most diets train its followers to ignore their bodies hunger cues.  If we aren't listening to our bodies, how will we learn to identify our body's cues when we are full from eating?  How will we know when our body needs food for energy, or perhaps a meal for comfort? 

Beauty is not defined by fitting into a certain size of jeans.  Beauty is about being the person who God made you to be.  We need to trust that by listening to our bodies, we will find a healthy balance.  And lastly, we should be praising Him that eating is enjoyable-- I can't imagine it any other way!

P for Pregnancy

My husband and I have been married a year as of June 20th and although we want 8 kids, we haven't been blessed with any yet. Pregnancy is a hard topic for me since it's something I so desire but have not experienced it yet. I have learned a lot about trusting in the Lord and realizing that my desires are not always the same as His plans for me. I know I should know this already but I'm still learning how to really trust in Him. I hear verses such as "I know the plans I have for you" ... "Be still and know that i am God" but maybe I haven't put them all into practice quite yet.

One of the hardest things for me in the struggle of not having children is when people assume we don't want them or make comments about how they are "planning" their families or "expecting" that God will provide a child to them in an easy manner. Women just expect they'll get pregnant but it doesn't just "happen" for all of us.

I have also seen the beauty of the Lord's plans for my marriage. Some people have mentioned that not having children right away can make a couple selfish. This is hard for me to hear since I don't want to be selfish but we're also not having children. It has given my husband and I a chance to spend time getting to know each other, but we only have this time because the Lord is giving it to us. It's not because we're choosing through contraception or planning to avoid children, that decision is being made for us. This time the Lord has given me has allowed me to serve others and prepare for (God willing) becoming a parent. This summer my husband and I got to drive across the country at the spur of the moment. Please keep in mind that we would give up all of these experiences for the chance to be parents, but rather than being sad or bitter I am trying to focus on the good the Lord is doing. Finally He just gave me a part time teaching job that will allow me to pay off some student loan debt that has been hanging over our head. Thank you Lord for that gift for when we are given the gift of children through birth or adoption, I will be a stay at home mom- God willing.

Please pray for those of us that are awaiting the Lord's gift of children, that someday we will be able to experience that joy as well. For those of you that are wonderful mothers, thank you for your inspiration and dedication to your children! Mary, mother of Christ, show us how to tend to our children in the way only you can!

IPad, Apple's Baby

Today, I stumbled upon an amazing video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulV5LDwdn8Y

With the new IPad that recently came out, Apple has fallen into the world of new parents. With this ad, Apple talks about the adventures of a brand new baby, a REALLY BRAND NEW BABY! One that hasn't even been born yet!

How cool is that??? IPad is helping people relate even more personally to their unborn child and showing life at the VERY beginning!

The bond between the parents and the new baby is extremely important! The bond is even more strong between the baby and his or her mother! How exciting is it that Apple is helping families become closer even earlier now!!!!

Thank you Apple!!!!

A Surprising Change

While getting dressed yesterday, I had an unexpected experience. I was going to be out all day and wanted to throw a pair of jeans in the car in case it got chilly in the evening. I hadn't worn my maternity jeans for a month, so I figured I'd try them on first to see which ones fit most comfortably. Turns out, none of them did.

Apparently, in the last month, my legs and backside have expanded with this pregnancy, especially since I had to stop exercising and rest for the last month. It could be that I was also very sensitive to the tightness of pants in general after wearing flowy dresses and skirts for 31 days straight, but these were just not comfortable, nor were they flattering.

While staring at myself in the mirror, stunned at how tight one pair was, I found myself feeling worse and worse about the changes in my body, which is no good! I am someone who LOVES being pregnant. I LOVE IT. While the belly gets a little uncomfortable towards the end, and sure the extra weight makes getting around a little tougher, I find the joy of holding this little life inside my body so outweighs the small sacrifices. However, I was struggling the other day with accepting the extra weight I'd put on. The crazy part is, I had none of these negative thoughts during the month of May.

Not only am I now finding skirts/dresses to be more feminine, but also more flattering, more comfortable, and encouraging of a positive body image.

Learning to Trust

This past week, I faced one of the scariest moments of my life, when I started severely bleeding and having contractions only 22 weeks into my pregnancy with our 2nd child. We rushed to the hospital, without a clue of what could be happening. All I could think or say to my husband on the way there was, "We just have to trust because we are doing all we can. Whatever's happening is happening." When the nurse had me and the baby on the monitors, and the Dr. performed an ultrasound, we were relieved that little Lukas was stable. Being a nurse, I was the calm one between my husband and I, trying not to show him I was concerned when I could read that the Dr.'s and nurse's faces still showed their concern.

It was when the doctor did a full exam and had a real look of concern at all the bleeding that I started to get scared. When the nurse and Dr. left the room, separated by a curtain, I overheard the nurse ordering a blood test for a condition called DIC, which was one of the scariest conditions I learned about in nursing school. This is an emergency condition in which the body increases clotting and bleeds at the same time, so there's really nothing they can do to treat it. They can't give clotting factors because it could cause more life-threatening blood clots, but they can't give blood thinners either because that could increase the bleeding. One can die at any moment from a blood clot to a vital organ, or suffer fatal bleeding. Pregnancy is a risk factor. Fortunately, my husband left for a bit to go check on our daughter who was at her grandparents' house, since we knew we'd just be waiting for the blood-work for a while. The nurse sat by my bed most of the time, because she was monitoring me very closely. I had a few hours, while I waited for my blood results, to think about the possibilities of the results. For the first time in my life, I had someone testing me for a serious life-threatening condition, and I had to face my own mortality.

Ultimately, all I could do was remind myself of the words I'd spoken to my husband a few hours earlier. I could not change the results of the test. All I could do was pray, and trust in the Lord. Thankfully, though I'm still undergoing further tests, things looked good enough that I could go home on bed-rest. It looks like the main culprit is a low-lying placenta, that partially tore, but that will hopefully move as the uterus expands. DIC is still a possibility for me as some of my labs have been slightly off, but now is the time to learn to be dependent. I am dependent on others right now to care for me, my child, and my husband. More than anything, little Lukas and I are completely dependent on the Lord. Really, it's no different than any other day, because the Lord is always in control. We are all His children, nestled in His arms, relying on Him for the gift of life, grace, and love. It's up to us to hug back, knowing He'll always have us.

"Are you pregnant yet?"

In the recent weeks, I seem to be getting this question a lot, from everyone from close friends, to my husband, and even my regular confessor. My husband and I are eager to give Mina a little brother or sister, but it seems that it's just not God's will yet. This has given me a lot to think about.

Today, while in mass, I was in the bathroom changing Mina and decided to take a pregnancy test I had in my bag, because I thought there was a possibility I was pregnant, and it would be nice to tell my husband just after the Eucharist. The answer was no, and for a moment, I felt as thought I might shed a tear, particularly when I looked at Mina. I thought of all the joy she brings me, and how much more joy another child would bring. I prayed and offered the moment to Mary and her Son for they know better than I when we should have another child, and we went back into the church.

With Mina waddling around, we decided to head into the cry room for the latter part of mass. It was quite full this morning, and not all with little children, but with a few families with handicapped kids, who have random outbursts, making it tough to sit anywhere else. As soon as I walked in, I couldn't help but think, "Thank you, Lord." Right there in front of me was a lesson. I have no idea why the Lord is choosing this particular spacing for Mina and her brother or sister. I have to realize, though I have no reason to think I'm infertile, that I may never be blessed with having another child naturally again. Or, the Lord could be providing this space because someday we will have a child with special needs, or someone else in the family that we can help care for while we only have one child. For whatever reason, I'm not yet pregnant again, and I thank God for this opportunity to desire children.

We know so little about ourselves in comparison with God, and we must always remember His love for us, whenever there is something we don't understand. If there's one thing we should have no control over, it's deciding when a human being should be created or not, and it's for this reason, that I love being completely open to life. It allows us to submit ourselves in a whole new way to His Holy Will, and to say, as women, "I am your handmaid, Let it be done unto me according to your will."

I thank Him for these months of patience, and I thank Him for those of you who are blessed with having children closer together, for there are lessons for all of us in the gift of family life.

My Lack of Control

Eating Disorders are often connected to a person’s desire for control. Being unable to control outside events during one’s life, it is common for victims to focus on their weight and body image- to a point of an obsession, or disorder. Being a dancer who has gone through hours of eating disorder counseling, I thought that I have had my desire for control over my body, under control. That is, until I became pregnant. If there is one thing about pregnancy that is absolutely clear, it is this: I am not in control. Sometimes it is unclear whether my precious little baby boy is in control, or whether God is in control… but it is never me!

In the first trimester, sickness and nausea forced me to constantly nibble on carb-rich foods. To make things even more challenging, my nausea made exercise impossible… And believe it or not, this lack of diet and exercise was disturbing enough to keep me awake at night, feeling lousy about myself.

As timed passed, my aversion to many healthy foods, such as grilled chicken and vegetables faded, and I felt as though I could be “good” again (in diet language, good means healthy). But of course, the lingering nausea as well as my body’s desire to gain weight made me throw my food plan out of the window…again. Nope, still not in control.

As I approach the end of my pregnancy, now comes another challenging new aspect: my intense fear of being fat. For somebody who has spent so many years of her life putting value in appearances, suddenly feeling like a balloon version of myself has been a great struggle. It doesn’t help that the first thing people around you do is check you out from bottom to top, and even comment on your appearance. Talk about feeling self-conscious!

My purpose for this post is not to rant on about my insecurities and worries about my body. Nevertheless, since our blog is titled “Defining Beauty”, I felt that this subject is very appropriate, and I am fairly confident that I am not the only woman who has struggled in this area. In theory, I realize that pregnancy makes women are even more beautiful, due to the fact that God entrusts their bodies to house His brand new souls. So why is it that society’s standards of beauty are so engrained in our minds, that it is difficult for women to see the beauty in giving their life for their child?

The thing is, we are NOT in control-- God is. And God has made us all beautiful, in His image. If we let go and let Him stay in control of our lives, then we will reach our most beautiful potential. God has called me to motherhood, and answering this call is worth more than any pair of size 0 jeans.